Time is ticking.

There is a sense of dread creeping into my thoughts...and heart. I am desperately trying to send it back into the corner where it belongs. It has the potential to spoil the little time I have left to just be 'Mum'.
It is nearly time to face the reality of my job again. That frantic pace, constant chaos and crazy busy. I am not at all looking forward to it like I had hoped I might. I believed that maybe being at home full-time would become boring after a few months, that I would be grateful to have an escape from the house. I was wrong. What I am craving now is more time with my boys, more time to explore my creative side and perhaps a chance to follow my heart.
I have made the most of the time I have had to make a difference for my baby boy. He remains a selective mute but he is becoming a little less selective about who he will speak to at school. Unfortunately the support I had assumed we would get from his teacher was not forth coming and has left his progress stagnated. I am quite anxious about what will develop in the next few weeks (my last few weeks), as the teachers ongoing and frequent absences are making it very difficult to move forward. I am really torn between a few possible courses of action- each of which will have consequences.
It has been so precious to have the time to manage our myriad of appointments without the panic and stress that comes with juggling a full-time job with a family. I have been able to take both Campbell and Jonas to their appointments and follow-up with all of the paper work and bills that come with that. While I know that Jonas will not be a selective mute forever (because I refuse to believe that) Campbell with certainly always have cerebral palsy, a vision impairment and autism- not to mention the list of other less prominent issues.  I would dearly love to have some guidance from a fellow Mum who manages a full-time job along with 3 children, 2 of whom have high needs. If you are out there please share your wisdom because I am floundering.

The terrifying realisation that my greatest value to my family is my capacity to earn enough money to pay our mortgage keeps prodding its way into my thoughts. I don't want that to be the case- in fact it breaks my heart. When I am working I give a lot of myself to my job. As a mother I hope that my children's teachers are devoted to giving them the very best that they are capable of, so I endeavour to do just that. I'm far from perfect, but my heart and soul is thrown in every day. It's very rewarding but it comes at a cost to my family. I am not sure that I am capable of finding a more functional balance. I struggle with the idea of giving less of myself to the children I teach and the teachers I supervise- I don't think it is ethical to do a half- hearted job. The truth is I will continue to face complete burn-out and exhaustion if something doesn't change.

I am just waiting for the perfect solution to land in my lap. I do wish it would arrive sooner rather than later so that I can just relax and enjoy this Mummy gig with all my heart. Hello.....if you are listening...today would be great!!!