Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Time is ticking.



There is a sense of dread creeping into my thoughts...and heart. I am desperately trying to send it back into the corner where it belongs. It has the potential to spoil the little time I have left to just be 'Mum'.
It is nearly time to face the reality of my job again. That frantic pace, constant chaos and crazy busy. I am not at all looking forward to it like I had hoped I might. I believed that maybe being at home full-time would become boring after a few months, that I would be grateful to have an escape from the house. I was wrong. What I am craving now is more time with my boys, more time to explore my creative side and perhaps a chance to follow my heart.
I have made the most of the time I have had to make a difference for my baby boy. He remains a selective mute but he is becoming a little less selective about who he will speak to at school. Unfortunately the support I had assumed we would get from his teacher was not forth coming and has left his progress stagnated. I am quite anxious about what will develop in the next few weeks (my last few weeks), as the teachers ongoing and frequent absences are making it very difficult to move forward. I am really torn between a few possible courses of action- each of which will have consequences.
It has been so precious to have the time to manage our myriad of appointments without the panic and stress that comes with juggling a full-time job with a family. I have been able to take both Campbell and Jonas to their appointments and follow-up with all of the paper work and bills that come with that. While I know that Jonas will not be a selective mute forever (because I refuse to believe that) Campbell with certainly always have cerebral palsy, a vision impairment and autism- not to mention the list of other less prominent issues.  I would dearly love to have some guidance from a fellow Mum who manages a full-time job along with 3 children, 2 of whom have high needs. If you are out there please share your wisdom because I am floundering.

The terrifying realisation that my greatest value to my family is my capacity to earn enough money to pay our mortgage keeps prodding its way into my thoughts. I don't want that to be the case- in fact it breaks my heart. When I am working I give a lot of myself to my job. As a mother I hope that my children's teachers are devoted to giving them the very best that they are capable of, so I endeavour to do just that. I'm far from perfect, but my heart and soul is thrown in every day. It's very rewarding but it comes at a cost to my family. I am not sure that I am capable of finding a more functional balance. I struggle with the idea of giving less of myself to the children I teach and the teachers I supervise- I don't think it is ethical to do a half- hearted job. The truth is I will continue to face complete burn-out and exhaustion if something doesn't change.

I am just waiting for the perfect solution to land in my lap. I do wish it would arrive sooner rather than later so that I can just relax and enjoy this Mummy gig with all my heart. Hello.....if you are listening...today would be great!!!

6 comments:

  1. You are amazing! It is hard and what we end up doing, is the best we can. We love them unconditionally, and be there for them as much as we possibly can.

    We only have one (as you know) who is going through specialists, therapy etc, and yes, it's hard. You know our crazy hours of work here, and we both feel sometimes we don't give them enough time. But they're so very loving children, that's one thing I'm grateful for.

    I've known you since we were 5, and I can honesty say, I have so much respect for you. You've all been through so much, but still you all pull together and get through. You are an inspiration to me and I really look up to you and what you do.

    Please remember, you're doing the best you can do, I think we all try as hard as we can. There is no perfect solution, I wish there was. Your children love you, and from what I see (photos), read (your blogs), you are everything I remember from school and more. Amazing xxx

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    1. Ohhh Nic!!!! You have brought tears to my eyes! I know that you understand how emotionally and physically draining it is to constantly juggle it all. Please send me an update of your progress with Christian- it's fantastic to hear that he is finally getting therapy!
      You are a precious friend and I am so grateful that despite our busy lives, we manage to connect and keep in touch.
      Much love to you and yours xxxx

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  2. There's a $20 million lotto draw in a few weeks - maybe we should get ourselves some tickets???

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    1. That's exactly the sort of solution I am hoping for Alison :)

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  3. Although its really tough maybe you need to hit breaking point to make a decision? It sounds like you know what you want to do but at the moment you can't? It is really hard when essentially you are talking money for mortgage on top of being so emotionally drained in all areas of your life xx hang in there xx and indeed buy a ticket with Alison!

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    1. Thank you for your wise words Bron xxx If we win $20 million I promise to shout you a holiday to Sydney!!

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